ABOUT POLITICS & OTHER THINGS
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Peach Brandy and the Preacher
A preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up. Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said: “I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given.” |
I was out for a walk when I encountered 3 Muslim women in full burqa.
I thought to myself I should make an effort and try to talk to them to understand their culture and welcome them to mine.
I tried talking to them for about ten minutes, without a single response, not even a sound.
Then I realized I was talking to 3 outdoor umbrellas!
I thought to myself I should make an effort and try to talk to them to understand their culture and welcome them to mine.
I tried talking to them for about ten minutes, without a single response, not even a sound.
Then I realized I was talking to 3 outdoor umbrellas!
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
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If things don’t work out for Bernie Sanders he can always leave politics and go into fast food…
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Bernie Sanders has a socialist math problem for you…
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Socialism works with simple math that goes like this…
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The Armed Panda
The evening “rush” was on at a popular downtown restaurant when a Giant Panda walked-in, and ordered dinner. When the Panda had finished eating, it stood up, pulled a 9mm Glock, and began to spray the bar with gunfire, shattering the mirror, destroying most of the bar stock, and terrorizing all of the customers. The Panda turned and walked toward the exit.
“What the hell was that all about!” shouted the bartender.
“I’m a Panda!” replied the bear, “You got a dictionary? Look it up!” The manager of the restaurant went into the office, returning with a dictionary, and read the entry to the still-shaken guests and staff:
“Panda—A bearlike mammal native to the bamboo forests of China and Tibet. Eats shoots and leaves.”
The evening “rush” was on at a popular downtown restaurant when a Giant Panda walked-in, and ordered dinner. When the Panda had finished eating, it stood up, pulled a 9mm Glock, and began to spray the bar with gunfire, shattering the mirror, destroying most of the bar stock, and terrorizing all of the customers. The Panda turned and walked toward the exit.
“What the hell was that all about!” shouted the bartender.
“I’m a Panda!” replied the bear, “You got a dictionary? Look it up!” The manager of the restaurant went into the office, returning with a dictionary, and read the entry to the still-shaken guests and staff:
“Panda—A bearlike mammal native to the bamboo forests of China and Tibet. Eats shoots and leaves.”
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Old Jewish Man
Wisdom from an old Jewish man (enjoy the humor)
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
” That’s amazing! What did you pray for 60 years??
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”
“I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall.”
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
” That’s amazing! What did you pray for 60 years??
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”
“I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall.”
Little Johnny isn’t an Obama fan |
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johhny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…again.
Little Johnny said, “because I’m not an Obama fan.”
The teacher asked, “why aren’t you a fan of Obama?”
Johnny said, “because I’m a Republican.”
The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, “Well, my mom’s a Republican and my dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “if your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “that would make me an Obama fan…”
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…again.
Little Johnny said, “because I’m not an Obama fan.”
The teacher asked, “why aren’t you a fan of Obama?”
Johnny said, “because I’m a Republican.”
The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, “Well, my mom’s a Republican and my dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “if your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “that would make me an Obama fan…”
George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die
George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spot a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished, the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George W. Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished, the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, “Since Obama became president of the US, the country has gone to hell, so now it’s a local call.”
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished, the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George W. Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished, the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, “Since Obama became president of the US, the country has gone to hell, so now it’s a local call.”
Ralph and the IRS
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The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’ I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Ralph. ‘How about a demonstration?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’ Ralph says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’ Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Ralph says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’ Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. ‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Ralph asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’ The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Ralph told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’ |
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Kim Jung Un: Bad Leader
Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before his Daddy made him a four-star general. This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership. He hadn’t even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military platoon.
So he is made the “Beloved Leader” Of North Korea. Terrific!!!
Uh Oh! I’m sorry…
I just remembered that we did the same thing.
We took an arrogant phony community organizer, who had never worn a uniform, and made him Commander-in-Chief. A guy, who had never had a real job, worked on a budget, or led anything more than an ACORN demonstration, and we made him “Beloved Leader” of the United States – Twice!!!!! So if you think North Koreans are stupid…
Never mind, I’m sorry I brought this up.
So he is made the “Beloved Leader” Of North Korea. Terrific!!!
Uh Oh! I’m sorry…
I just remembered that we did the same thing.
We took an arrogant phony community organizer, who had never worn a uniform, and made him Commander-in-Chief. A guy, who had never had a real job, worked on a budget, or led anything more than an ACORN demonstration, and we made him “Beloved Leader” of the United States – Twice!!!!! So if you think North Koreans are stupid…
Never mind, I’m sorry I brought this up.
Breaking News: Oprah Converts to Islam
The insanity of gun control cannot be put more simply than this…
